How Women Keep Women from Getting Respect

“Must be my hormones again.”

“Oh, it’s just estrogen.”

“I’m just a chick with a bad thyroid.”

These are the kinds of things women in high-profile positions regularly say about themselves–and by extension, about all women.

In my editorial job, I recently had a strong reaction to a proposed article a writer sent to our staff in the hope that we would publish it. This article bitterly criticized strong women for not getting along with others and aggressively destroying women around them for no apparent reason. The article used several offensive and stereotypical terms in referring to women, such as “catfight,” “henpecked,” “meow,” and “creatures containing estrogen.”

This article was written by a woman.

One of the reasons I reacted so strongly against this article is because it reminded me of the way women often speak of themselves and each other in public. It reminded me of the stereotypes that label women leaders with derogatory generalizations designed to bring them down.

I wince every time I hear a Christian speaker (and by virtue of her position, a leader) use the word “estrogen.” This is not because I have some weird aversion to a discussion of hormones, but because she’s usually using the word for a cheap laugh that summarily dismisses women as victims of this particular hormone that apparently makes us say and do things that should not be taken seriously. When we summarize ourselves as mere containers for estrogen or any other hormone, or embrace the world’s derogatory terms for us, or dismiss our emotional expressions as symptoms of overactive hormones, we dismiss half the population–half of the people made in God’s image. And we participate in the kind of base rejection that drives women to repression and self-loathing.

(As a side note, men also have estrogen, and women happen to have testosterone as well.)

It would not be okay for a Christian woman to write an article, song, or speech that straightforwardly insults men, dismissing them as simple “vessels for testosterone,” “pigs,” or “stallions.” Why is it considered acceptable for us to say these things about ourselves, and by extension, one another?

This basic disrespect for our own kind and our abilities comes out in the kind of criticism unfairly leveled at strong women. It’s common to insinuate that women who are strong leaders are, by nature, mean and destructive, and need to be knocked down a peg or two. They’re overbearing, unkind, and predatory. This characterization is totally unfair and untrue, but given the environment created by the way women talk about one another, I can understand why it exists.

No wonder women leaders are viewed as shrill, overly aggressive, and backstabbing. For women who have a low opinion of ourselves in general, these stereotypes allow quick dismissal of the leaders among us, who by example might demand more of us than we believe we’re capable of contributing.

I don’t like running up against mean women any more than anyone else does. And I have to admit that sometimes I’m one of them. But the kind of behavior we stereotypically lay at the feet of “strong women” is, in my opinion, not about strength. I know a lot of strong women with leadership gifts who are exercising those gifts to serve God in the world and to empower other women to do the same. None of these women are backbiting, bullying human weapons of mass destruction. Even in the animal world, alpha females usually don’t pick off the weaker members or destroy their pack. Sometimes they keep the group safe and lead them to food.

Overbearing, unkind, and predatory behavior is characteristic not of leaders, but of people who are overbearing, unkind, and predatory–women and men. The kind of destructive behavior we attribute to strong women is usually carried out by women who are hurting–whether they’re strong leaders or not. In fact, in my experience women commonly attack one another not because they believe they’re strong, but because they don’t–they feel weak, powerless, and threatened by the other women around them. Sometimes they’re being bullied regularly (perhaps by the men in their lives) and they’re trying to assert some control and dominance to give themselves a sense of value. Such women need compassion–along with strong boundaries. They don’t need the kind of dismissal that feeds the lack of self-respect that caused them to lash out in the first place.

The less women feel it’s acceptable to dismiss themselves, the less they’ll feel threatened by the women around them with the courage and calling to lead. And on this, perhaps we who are leaders need to set the example by being respectful of women at all times in our tone and in what we say.

 

3 Comments
  1. Very well written. I’m on a roll…I’m so enjoying your writing. Can’t wait now for the book.

  2. It is what it is says:

    “It would not be okay for a Christian woman to write an article, song, or speech that straightforwardly insults men, dismissing them as simple ?vessels for testosterone,? ?pigs,? or ?stallions.?”

    Within and without Christianity, men are degraded as being stupid and incapable of doing anything around the house. Of course there are some men who are like that, but as your rightfully say about women, it’s a stereotype that we all suffer from to some degree. Especially wives. Their husbands have an excuse for letting all the “women’s duties” to fall on her. I’m happy to say that, not only am I entirely capable of any degree of housework or childrearing, but I’ll put my product up against most moms any day :). Not that my wife didn’t leave me for more money anyway, but that’s another story.

© 2013 Amy Simpson.