Guest Post: A Little Perspective from the Halls of Middle School

My daughter Cami, who is almost a teenager, graciously offered to write a guest post for my blog. She’s given us a humorous glimpse of life as a middle-school girl . . . and a little advice for the guys.

As an almost-13-year-old, I know all about the dangers of life in middle school. The backstabbing girls, the disgusting bathrooms, and the horrible, horrible smells. Among the worst offenders is that infamous men’s deodorant and body spray, Axe.

Oh, Axe . . . No female has passed the door to the boy’s locker room in years due to you. Your manly ad campaign has boys everywhere confused, and your misleading packaging is making girls everywhere grieve. Why must you continue with your deception?

I believe the problem with Axe is so widespread, I had to come up with a name for the affliction–Axenomnia: an illness affecting mainly 12- to 19-year-old men, where all sensibilities desert them and they make extremely dumb choices.

That also leads to my explanation of the phrase THE AXE COMPLEX. THE AXE COMPLEX is defined in the Official Simpson Dictionary (OSD) as “deceiving oneself as to the true nature of one’s peers’ reactions to a habit.”

The truth of the matter is, girls hate the scent of Axe. It’s true. Ladies, do your guyfriends (not boyfriends–friends that are guys) a favor and tell them not to wear Axe. We must remember that boys are not as adept at reading body language as us. We have to help them, take them under our wing, if you will.

Now this paragraph is for boys. Axe actually isn’t very macho. It smells like flowers. Please don’t wear it. This will not make girls like you. Girls are very looks-oriented, sure. But girls also care a lot about how you treat them and how you act around other people. You could be the hottest guy ever, but if you treat your girlfriend’s friends badly, I’m sure she will break up with you like that. I speak to you about all of the girls out there. Treat them nice. No girl deserves to be mistreated. I would not want even the nastiest girls I know to be abused by their boyfriends.

Oh, and for you mothers out there, you remember Brut 33 and Drakkar Noir, right? That’s the equivalent of Axe in your middle school. Now do you sympathize with me?

 

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

5 Comments
  1. Amy says:

    LOL! It was Drakkar, Polo and Obsession. Yuk. To this day, one whiff and my nose curdles and I’m right back in the 8th grade.

  2. Jen Manglos says:

    Truth! I find the smell of Axe repulsive. When my brother was in jr. high he wore Axe. And there were times when he just needed a shower, but he would put on more Axe. Shudder.

  3. Kate says:

    Fortunately I don’t think I know what axe smells like, but as soon as I read the words “brut 33” and “drakkar noir” that’s all the smell I need. I get it! You have opened my eyes to the invasive problem of the airway pollution in your world. I remember that trapped feeling during certain classes in 8th grade, (and all of a sudden it doesn’t seem like that long ago). But you are right, even the worst and strongest smells cannot hide the character of someone who does not know how to treat others. Thanks Cami for your enlightening viewpoint!

  4. Monica in CO says:

    “Axenomnia: an illness affecting mainly 12- to 19-year-old men, where all sensibilities desert them and they make extremely dumb choices.” Sadly, this is true about many more things than one’s choice of body spray, and I see by your definition you have not excluded other possibilities. I recall a young man in one of my college classes; he used to kick off his shoes during class. Oh. my. word. The odiferous offenses were unutterable! This was a night class that was probably at least 2 hours long, and after an already exhausting day, who wants to sit in a room with a guy with bare, awful smelling feet??? (Ain’t nobody got time for that!) In retrospect, I can see that it was a severe case of The Axe Complex. Feel free to use it as an example in the OSD.

    {Cami, for nearly 13 years I have loved you so much! And now, yet another reason to be proud of you. Excellent job!!!}

  5. Trillia says:

    This made me cry! How funny!! Great job.

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